WHAT’S IN STORE FOR APRIL

YOUR FUTURE, REVEALED

PISCES

You ok? It's not easy holding on to dreams of revenge, of victory, of defeating social anxiety once and for all. Imagine how disorienting Snapchat would be for your grandparents. Imagine swimming through coral reefs in 2027's most popular underwater-themed dating app. The vengeful response to anti-loitering frequencies that only teens can hear will come in the form of interfaces that only those born VR-native will be able to navigate. You won't be part of that clique, but at least you aren't yet too old to soak up today's spectacle. So this month, don't worry if you end up spending too much time online.

ARIES

It's 2017, which means 2006 was a decade ago and we're as far away from the millennium as Ronald Reagan's first year in office is. It was going to happen eventually, but you can forgive yourself for not knowing it would be quite like this. Age is about how you feel, but what if you don't feel so hot? It is possible to reorganize your home and still feel unsettled. What if you temporarily forgot about how sensitive you are and found yourself insisting on daily sibling communication? Forget the what-ifs this month: No one has even 5,000 weeks left, probably. What if, you may come to ask in the end, Seinfeld still was on TV?

TAURUS

Can you feel it? Winter is really coming this time, except in the tropics and the Southern Hemisphere. If Justin Bieber can pull off this sort of comeback, imagine what's possible for you. Wake up earlier than ever and salute the sun. Knowing for sure that technology will very soon allow us to communicate verbally in other languages, this month seriously consider making friends whose language – symbolic or otherwise –  you don't speak. Otherwise, stay focused on your work.

GEMINI

Change, this month, is still a constant. Maybe old hideaways don't do for you what they once did, or just aren't there anymore. Sometimes the hardest part of losing someone is losing access to their dog. Even if those mystery marks are bedbug bites, there are steps you can take to deal. There are also worse things you could bring home from a date gone horribly right. Try to remember to close out before leaving the bar. If lost, take a taxi.

CANCER 

When did burgers become so big? Not everything needs countable layers, least of all the story you keep telling about your breakup. The laughing with tears face is the most popular emoji, which raises questions about what sort of enhanced-self avatars we will choose when our cyberlives really hit their stride. Slightly taller, better skin, always sniffling through tears of joy. Some retail establishments have not gotten the memo that bigger is no longer always better. This month, ask yourself: have you?

LEO

Too much of a good thing this month is totally possible but probably unlikely. If it's too cold where you are, remember that periods of feeling bad often give way to feeling good. In general, eat less heavy food and drink slightly more water. Remember that sleep deprivation is almost never worth it, so take a trip somewhere far away but still in your time zone. Clean a pair of your own shoes. Change your sheets. Consider this: you are probably Vitamin-D deficient at all times. 

VIRGO

Worth noting this month: the future up ahead is real long and actually unpredictable. Given enough time, anything's possible. It took us tens of thousands of years of social interaction to discover ghosting. Are you young enough to know that kids today call staying up all night online vamping? Forgive yourself for the fact that by most Fridays your big Monday dreams of productivity have largely been extinguished. Next month could but probably won't be different. While we still have wisps of winter left, figure out what's behind your insistence that you're too good for spray tans.

LIBRA

The weather is something you have in common with everyone else in your neighborhood. This month, don't refuse help. You are proof that glitter does eventually come out of sheets, of bags, of pores. So too, does heartbreak. What made earlier romantic adventures so special wasn't your waistline, it was that you weren't yet so sure about how everything would turn out. Give up some of that certainty for, like, a minute. Start building a better life by buying a better pillow online. 

SCORPIO

The spring is what it is. Netflix and thaw, if you're in that part of the world. Solo karaoke is another option. But really: What will you make of April? This is the only April 2017 there will ever be. The good news is that you can in fact have multiple best friends. If you see an opening in any race, jump in – this might be the week that persistence pays off. Before you go to bed, set yourself up for a nice sit-down breakfast. 

SAGITTARIUS

This month, don't worry about finding a better party. It's not really intuitive that we would designate one type of animal as our favorite above others, but we do. Leaving home means not being able to run away anymore, at least until we move in with someone. Think of all the restaurant forks you used once and never again, your time together short but productive. How many other people have slept in the room where you sleep? A number too large to understand, probably. Take a moment to listen to the AC. 

CAPRICORN

Avoid baking anything this month and use that time to take longer showers. Climate change is a bummer, but think of all the records you'll see broken. Other people might one day finally notice that most of the work you're doing is wrapped up in hiding how much effort you're making. Until then, rediscover late night TV, snacks, anything. And if you won't even let yourself feel good about winning, maybe let up on feeling bad about all the other things. Maybe then you wouldn't have let winter stop you from hitting the beach.

AQUARIUS

Winter's almost over, but soon enough it will once again be right around the corner. Each new week is a surprise, somehow. There are good first date spots, good breakup spots, but very little designated in between. Early on, a year started barely crawling can end toddling. Try to make as much progress in what's left of the year. The good news is, geopolitical realities aside, you can still be the policeman of your own small world. Use a spoon for something new, something that sparks joy. Get rid of some useless furniture.