WHAT I’LL WEAR IN 2017

Charlotte Barnett

My 11-Year-Old Self Gives You a Tour of the Dream Closet She Thought She’d Have by Now

Hello. My name is Charlotte. I’m 25 years old, I’m allowed to drink alcohol, and I love the taste of vodka a lot. Welcome to my home.

As you can see, it’s a totally insane penthouse on Fifth Avenue that I share with my boyfriend, Tobey Maguire from “Spiderman.” Tobey also stars in the film “Cider House Rules,” which my mom once took me to see, even though it’s rated PG-13 for sexuality and nudity.

Tobey insisted on buying this beautiful apartment for me, but I could definitely have afforded it myself with the millions of dollars I’m making as a professional ballerina. Tobey’s so sweet. Sometimes, we breathe heavily while half-naked in bed together just like in “Cider House Rules.” It’s awesome and doesn’t make me nervous.

Anyway, here’s my hella big walk-in closet. The pièce-de-résistance. My closet is bigger than Liz Kane’s, and her dad is a very wealthy investment banker for the Lehman Brothers.

Let me show you all the literally amazing clothes I have.

Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. I have 75 Juicy Couture Tracksuits. And, yes, a pair of Uggs in every color. These are my everyday, casual ensembles that I wear during my many hours of free time when I’m shopping, watching VH1, or texting Tobey on my Sidekick™ cell-phone. I text him “I <3 u” at least 23 times a day. He loves it. I really get men and know exactly what they like.

All of my friends are jealous of my tracksuits, but jealousy is something I’m used to. My older sisters, who I’m more successful than, have always been really jealous of me. Maybe it’s because I have cooler clothes than both of them. I would let them borrow my Juicy Tracksuits, but I’m so much taller than them and have much, much bigger boobs than them – honestly, they probably wouldn’t even fit.  

This is the Jessica McClintock dress I won my first Oscar in. I love the bold polka-dots, the polyester bow sash, and all the black tulle that sticks out from the bottom like a punk tutu. Edgy, but very, very classy. I wore this to so many parties that night. Parties are things I get invited to a lot of. I’m never not invited to a birthday party. Even Francesca Bruno invited me to her birthday party but I didn’t go because she’s a huge slut and AIMed my ex-boyfriend Kevin while we were dating to ask him “what the social studies homework is.” 

This is my peasant skirt collection. Peasant skirts are always a good idea and are obviously very flattering. I look amazing in peasant skirts and will never regret owning a lot of them.

This is the yellow Betsey Johnson sundress I wore to my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary. Isn’t it amazing that they’ve been together for 30 years? I can’t imagine anything that would split them up. Can you imagine if my mom fell in love with her cello teacher, Nancy? LOL – as if.

Here is all my denim. They are all very low on the hip and, because I’m 25, no one can tell me that that’s inappropriate. I have denim with glitter, denim with fringe, denim with embroidered flowers, and denim with “Sexy Young Slut” bedazzled on the butt. They’re stunning and timeless. I also have a pair of white denim that I can wear any day of the month I want.

My shoe collection takes up an entire wall and I’m very confident walking in high heels. I wear high heels everywhere because I never have to walk – I’m driven everywhere around New York just like Mia Thermopolis in “The Princess Diaries.” And it’s not like I’m a very political person or will ever need sensible shoes to wear to go to a protest or march because our president is amazing now and so much better than President George W. Bush. Here are my pink snakeskin mules, just like Elle Woods in “Legally Blonde”!

Last but not least: the salon area of my closet. This is where I straighten my hair so straight it looks like uncooked lasagna. So cute. This is also where I put glitter on every inch of my face because it looks amazing and not at all like a tired stripper. This is my favorite part of my closet because I get to look in the mirror and see how awesome I am. I mean, I’m amazing! I look so cool all the time! I love never second guessing myself and never thinking about how much I weigh or how big or small my lips are. I hope I’ll be this confident forever, just like Elle Woods in “Legally Blonde”!

Thanks for visiting my walk-in closet in my insane twenty-room penthouse. I do have an impeccable sense of fashion so I can totally understand why you’d want to check out all my clothes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slip into a pair of sequined goucho pants and meet Tobey for alcohol.