APRIL HOROSCOPES
PLANETARY PERSPECTIVE EDITION
Illustrations: Amanda Lanzone (@amanda.s.lanzone)
PISCES
Page Six is going to write something unflattering about your psychoanalyst this month. When they do, you should call your therapist and tell them that their services are still very much desired. In fact, you will need a lot of psychoanalysis over the coming days. You may be troubled by persistent dreams of drowning. But do not fear – this is just you coming to terms with your own power.
ARIES
A full moon will visit your house this month, illuminating all the decisions you have to make. The choices will be arranged before you like a bed of gems. Remember what they say about cubic zirconia: it’s like eating a chocolate bar for dinner. Does the chocolate bar have nuts in it? Someone might also tell you to take a chill pill. There are worse meals.
TAURUS
For the first half of April, young children are going to be particularly important to you. Should you encounter one, listen closely to what they say. Valuable messages are encoded in their babble. During the second half of April, memories from your teenage years will come flooding back with great intensity. How does it all connect? What does it all mean? That’s for you to figure out.
GEMINI
As if a giant peacock feather were placed over the sun, everything will start to take on a colorful, gauzy flare. People will look more attractive. Garbage on the sidewalk will glisten and shimmer. Your way of thinking will change, too. You will become more generous. More accommodating. Enjoy it while it lasts, but be prepared for May, when everything will sharpen into focus.
CANCER
Towards the middle of this month, a friend from your childhood will reappear. This friend may or may not be involved in a massive scheme to smuggle counterfeit aloe vera into the United States. This friend will probably ask for your financial support, with promises of return on your investment. The stars recommend you consult your wealth advisor for advice.
LEO
A letter will arrive in the mail, asking if you’d like to speak at your alma mater later this month. It’s unclear what you’re supposed to speak about. You’re encouraged to accept the offer anyway. Venus and Jupiter are aligned in such a way that suggests public speaking. Practice in the mirror. Admire your beauty. Brush your hair as if it were a lion’s mane.
VIRGO
The road to self-actualization has never looked clearer. It begins with cleaning out your closet, oven, and refrigerator. This month involves a lot of cleaning, basically. Around the third week of April, bright flashes of color will start appearing in the corners of rooms. You’re not having a stroke! You’re seeing the way forward.
LIBRA
Your job may send you to several faraway countries this month, which is a good thing. While abroad, you will meet a series of tax lawyers who will offer you their services pro bono – this is also a good thing. The stars in your house seem agitated, likely about money. Travel as cheaply as possible. If you have roommates, they are going to try to sublet your room while you’re away. But did they ask you for permission?
SCORPIO
Following a languorous March, the planets foretell a period of renewed sexual energy. Mars, a fire planet, will be in your house. Dress yourself in metallics and go to the discotheque. Dance with strangers. But never accept drinks from strangers, especially those with blue eyes. Stay away from people with blue eyes – they are trying to extinguish your fire. If you come across a person wearing tiny sunglasses at night, befriend them.
SAGITTARIUS
You need to sleep more. When you’re happy, nap. When you’re stressed, nap. When you’re hungry, nap. Never nap when you’re thirsty. Picture yourself as an ascetic who lives in a tower on a cloud and is asleep. The reason for all of this rest is that, come May, you will need energy for a series of unknown hostile encounters. The stars are still vague on this...
CAPRICORN
Saturn and a full moon will be in your house this month, which means one thing and one thing only: computer trouble. Someone from Switzerland will try to scam you over email. If you use Outlook, it will crash. If you have a laptop, the fan will break and it will overheat and crash. Now is an excellent time to return to nature and reconnect with the earth. Find a forest and get lost in it. Look up at the sky and squint – everything will turn pixelated.
AQUARIUS
Around the middle of the month, horses will begin visiting you in dreams. They will tell you to find the king. You don’t who or what a king is. Everything, basically, from that point on will be shit. Things Fall Apart is the name of a book and also what the end of April will feel like. But look closely: there is an OK in BROKEN. Things, broadly, will improve by May.