OCTOBER HOROSCOPES

YOUR FUTURE, AS FORETOLD BY

Gabriella Caputo

ARIES

The cosmos tell me Mercury will be in Medicaid at least once this month, which is great for you, fire sign. All of your medical debt will be absolved. Continue ignoring the calls from collections agencies seeking payment on the wildly delinquent bills from that time you broke your elbow falling down the subway stairs three winters ago—you’re just such an Aries, that is so you. Maybe even get the yearly check-up that you have been actively avoiding for 10 years, just to be sure that only being able to breathe out of one nostril is normal. Encourage your Aries friends to get their blood tested; you could even make a day out of it and go together!

TAURUS

It’s exhausting being in control all of the time, and despite your inner protests, you need rest. Leave things up to chance, act solely based on your emotions, and you will be pleasantly surprised by the reward. It’s like someone once said, “To the one who betrays his/her own sensibilities and instincts go the spoils.” If Albert Einstein (a Pisces, sorry) hadn’t taken a leap of faith and renounced his citizenship to avoid military deployment, we wouldn’t even have e=mc^2, that thing you said in second grade to sound smart. Now imagine what a Taurus, notoriously adverse to change, could achieve in this time. There are no limits.

GEMINI

This is a sexy month for you. Your libido will drive you insane if you don’t let it run shit for October. You’re insatiable, so experimenting will be imperative to keep you from becoming bored. Think of the most lewd and debased thing you’ve ever been curious about, make a Tinder account advertising your desire, and create urgency by writing “only in town for three days.” In the holiday spirit, I suggest something like “Monster Mashing,” which includes a graveyard smash, the ol’ Transylvania Twist, and classic coffin banging followed by crying into each other’s chests because you both fear death.

CANCER 

You’re missing someone or something that has passed on to the afterlife. You need to hone those feelings of grief and loss and channel them into something productive and positive, like remembering the good times you shared with this noun. A cool way to do this is to make an Instagram for the deceased as if they are still alive. I did this for my dead cat, and it was awesome. On the last day, you need to come clean to the hundreds of followers you will have amassed because it’s technically illegal to lie on the internet. They can “like” the post if they think the posthumous account should continue and “report” your account if they don’t support healing. Either way, you’ll find out who your real friends are.

LEO

You will be the subject of office gossip this month, but pay it no mind. It will test that ego of yours. Leave those whispers to the wind. In fact, go straight to the source (the haughty Carol), and make sure she knows you’ve decided to support her GoFundMe to get her country-rap album produced, because it’s an extremely innovative and cool idea. Your gesture will quell her, and your newfound symbiosis will lead to increased productivity and profitability, which will not go unnoticed by upper management. The impulse will arise to buy a pinstriped suit, gain 200 pounds, and chomp on a cigar in your office while barking orders at lowly entry-level workers, but maintain humility! Stripes were never for you anyway.

VIRGO

You’re feeling stifled socially, tired of same old happenings, clubs, and bars. You have to take initiative to reinvigorate your friend group and meet new, interesting people. A small soirée won’t do, so take time to plan an ambitious evening of revelry that is simultaneously exclusive and open to the bold and unexpected. Nothing quite cultivates this vibe like a themed password party (may I suggest Toddlers & Tiaras?). Run the door with an iron fist; strict adherence to the theme is mandatory. This could result in some acquaintances falling to the wayside for refusing to dress up as a Fun Dip-zooted-up monster child (with talent, no one’s denying that) or her Mom-ager, but those willing to commit will never forget this affair.

LIBRA

Congratulations Libra, you’ve been good all year, but the Fall Equinox has passed, and as days become shorter and nights grow longer, it’s time for you to tip those scales and embrace the dark. It’s your birthday, and that basically gives you a license to kill (your plants), so wild out a little. Make yourself the center of attention in a way that is completely offensive, tasteless, and maybe a little illegal—if you don’t manage to snitch on yourself, or me for that matter, as I am wanted in multiple states. Ask your mother for her dead sister’s social security number (for a science project), open up multiple credit cards in her name, and treat yo’ self! Buy a fun wig with your new “aunt” money and use it to gaslight your friends.

SCORPIO

I’d like to preface this with saying as a community, I don’t think we have been kind to you, Scorpio. Never have I seen a sign more maligned than yours, and I feel you’ve been set up to fail with a venomous prick for a mascot. All the while, Gemini (the twins), at their most menacing are Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen on a Wednesday. Moving right along, while at times you love to play the villain, this month, hang up your pitchfork and devil horns. Embrace your sensitive side to remind people you’re only human. Practice by confiding in a friend about your brief prison sentence, and graduate to sobbing in public places.

SAGITTARIUS

You’ve been penny-pinching for what? All of that saving is preventing you from truly living, and before you know it, you’ll be dead with a fortune that would put even King Midas and his golden touch to shame. The point is, it’s time to splurge a little. The old cliche “money doesn’t buy happiness” is bullshit, and we all know it, so cash out while you’re still a little miserable, and let the good times roll. Literally, cash out, be that person who only deals in cash and carries a fat wallet clip filled with hundreds like a mafia overlord. Buy a new wardrobe and pretend to be someone else for a month, change careers, leap from social circle to social circle, and have sex with weird people. You’re gonna like the way you look—I guarantee it.

CAPRICORN

Your position in the familial pecking order will be challenged this month. A sibling’s accomplishment will illicit high praise from your parents and extended family. It feels uncomfortable to not be the center of attention, but remain confident that this is only temporary. It may actually feel good to be happy for someone else. In the meantime, put in some extra work into a project that will impress even your biggest critics (your father’s side of the family in its entirety). A charitable act will be sure to shock and awe, blowing your sibling’s (selfish) job promotion right out of the water. Try donating your eyes to science.

AQUARIUS

You will come face-to-face with one massive feat of strength this month. It won’t be a battle of mental fortitude, but rather a showdown of brute force. You’re known as a deadly assassin when it comes to verbal debate, deftly handling opposing viewpoints before cruelly exploiting the cracks in your challenger’s arguments, but be warned, this physical trial will absolutely blindside you. It could come in the form of smug Lou Ferrigno challenging you to a wrestling match for sheer bragging rights, or your apartment may become infested with bed bugs, and you have to carry all your upholstered furniture to the curb. To prepare, hold four-minute planks to tighten up that core (hello wine cooler tummy!) and progress to lifting plump children. How else do you think Michelle Obama got those legendary arms?

PISCES

Feeling lucky? Good. Now’s the time to roll the dice, double down, and play your lucky numbers. But therein lies the riddle: It’s up to you to figure out how this good fortune will manifest. The greater the risk, the greater the reward, and it’s likely you’ll lose big before you win big. Once you’ve snatched every heads-up penny off the slimy New York City streets and lost a considerable amount of dough on scratch offs, head to a casino in Atlantic City, since it’s impossible to be the most pathetic person there. After hours of nursing a watered-down vodka soda at the penny slots, a one-eyed man will beckon you into an underground poker game. The table of degenerates will intimidate you, but with a little help from Lady Luck herself you’ll emerge victorious, pockets full and all of your teeth intact.

Gabriella Caputo is an artist living in NYC.