The Williamsburg Eternity

The time it takes the L to get between Bedford Ave. and 1st Ave when it stalls in the tunnel at 2:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, you’re stone-cold sober, and some drunk NYU student just cry-puked without having the decency or subway expertise to do it between train cars.

The Bushwick Fifteen Minutes

The amount of time you wait in line for a rave before you realize you’re just standing outside an abandoned wonton factory.

The Central Park Hour

The time it takes to find a bathroom in this goddamn park oh shit shit shit I swear I’m gonna piss my pants if I don’t find a toilet soon. But hey I mean it is a park, what’s the etiquette on just dropping trow and letting ‘er rip?

The Soho Minute, Actually

The time it takes to realize you can’t afford a goddamn thing in this neighborhood and it was probably a bad idea for a first Tinder date. Let’s just walk around and enjoy ourselves? Who did you think you were? Have fun convincing your date to use the Apple Store bathroom because it’s “convenient” and not because the requisite restroom-is-for-customers-only drinks at any bar in this neighborhood will cost more than your meals for the last two days.

The Upper East Side Thirty Seconds

Similar to The Soho Minute, but faster because what are you even doing in the Upper East Side?

The Times Square Multiverse

Time ceases to exist in this multi-dimensional hellscape. You lose all sense of corporal-temporal reality as you’re sucked into a deep paranormal abyss of LEDs, pervy Elmos, an ocean of shuffling feet, and street meat stretching into the wretched horizon. Purgatory on Earth. Avoid at all costs, so help you God.

The Washington Heights Afternoon

If you don’t live up here, you’re probably burning a whole day to, like, check out the view of the GW Bridge because you wanted to impress your friend from out of town with something “off the beaten path,” whatever that means in one of the most-visited cities in the world. It’s…worth it? It has to be worth it, because you took a day off for this, and it’s hot out, and it’s gonna take a literal hour to get anywhere from here. No, like an actual hour. Not a Central Park hour, not a New York Hour, just a…you know what, forget it.

The Astoria Who Cares

It took ninety minutes and three transfers to get out here so let’s have a nice time, ok? It’s really lovely. There’s a beer garden and everything. Let’s just chill.

The Staten Island Fifty-Two Minutes

The time it takes to ride the Staten Island Ferry to Staten Island, realize you’ve made a massive mistake, turn right around and ride it back to Manhattan.