Guided Meditation: Sandy Kenyon, Perma Bae
from the desk of Anita Grape
Courtney Bush
Illustration: Newest York
April 5, 2020 — “I’m Sandy Kenyon” is one of many cellar doors to me. As in, Donnie Darko, “cellar door,” the most beautiful words in the English language, ever heard of it? Some of my other cellar doors are “Calpurnia Addams” and “beverage sponsor,” but that’s for another time.
As everyone in New York knows, “I’m Sandy Kenyon” is what Sandy Kenyon, the entertainment correspondent from ABC 7 New York Eyewitness News says on Taxi TV at the beginning and end of his unbelievably short, high-energy, and exclusively positive movie reviews in a segment I love dearly, the Eyewitness News Movie Minute. The Movie Minute is a blessed space where Sandy Kenyon delivers bursts of positive affirmation about basically every movie that comes out in theaters.
If I ever made a movie and Sandy Kenyon didn’t like it, I would go completely insane.
Sandy Kenyon is what I talk about when I talk about purity.
In lieu of a love letter to Sandy Kenyon, my Meg Ryan, I give you a guided meditation in three phases.
Phase 1: You see Sandy Kenyon
You slide into a taxi on the Lower East Side. The sky is that purply color of late sunset in summer. Your skin is slightly sticky with sweat. You roll down the window and as the taxi begins to move, you catch a breeze through the open window. The streetlights in the ambient heat have taken on a blurry quality. You pass that place Schiller’s and wonder, calmly, does anyone actually go to that place? Taxi TV is on. Sweet, sweet Taxi TV. You pass countless people walking up and down the sidewalk. They enter and leave your mind’s eye with no consequence. You allow the city to pass by. You allow yourself to pass by the city. The sounds of Cat Greenleaf wrapping up a stoop interview with Kenan Thompson float into your consciousness and right back out, light as marzipan. You are a moving part of the world in constant movement. You hear the words “I’m Sandy Kenyon.” You glance at the screen of the Taxi TV. There, you see him: Sandy Kenyon. The cab slowly turning onto Delancey jostles your body ever so gently. You notice that the cab is holding you up, the road is holding you up, New York City is holding you up. “This is your Eyewitness News Movie Minute,” Sandy says. It is your Eyewitness News Movie Minute. Sandy Kenyon really enjoyed Mary Poppins Returns. Sandy Kenyon’s enjoyment of Mary Poppins Returns, too, is holding you up. You allow it to hold you. You give your body over to the elements, which you can trust to hold you. Sandy Kenyon enjoyed Mary Poppins Returns. You breathe in the warm air. Starring Emily Blunt and Lin Manuel Miranda, who sort of turns the character of Burt into a rapper. You breathe the warm air back out into the streets. Sandy Kenyon enjoyed Mary Poppins Returns.
Phase 2: You are Sandy Kenyon
You close your eyes and hear the hustle and bustle of the studio, a hum like the sound of worker bees harmonizing in one consistent, unending purpose. You are on the set of New York Eyewitness News. You begin to hum, too. Your vocal cords awaken and begin to vibrate in the way only your vocal cords vibrate. Your voice is Sandy Kenyon’s voice. Your voice is warming up. You feel the warmth, starting in your throat, spread into your chest, your arms, your stomach. The suit you wear is Sandy Kenyon’s suit. You begin to move your lips, your jaw. The facial muscles you are warming up are Sandy Kenyon’s facial muscles. Your hair? Is Sandy Kenyon’s hair, soft, swept back, sometimes reddish-looking, sometimes the color of rock. You’ve met? Celebrities like Leighton Meester and Taran Killam. That was you, who met them. You send your energy and focus to the warmth building in your heart. The warmth building there is a love of terrible, awesome purity. A direct, unselfish love, which always sails forth, never faltering. The love of one thing and one thing only: every single movie you have ever seen in your entire life. Every movie is good. Every movie makes you happy, so happy that you want to talk about it. And you are about to talk about it, a lightning rod for that pure love, on camera in an Eyewitness News Movie Minute. Everything is as it should be. The world continues, you continue to be a part of it. Every movie is good. The Fault in Our Stars is good. Madagascar is good, so good. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel is pure delight. Minions is an example of the divine, which you yourself cannot name and know that trying to name it would be foolish and holy. And so you try. You are Sandy Kenyon, and every movie is good.
Phase 3 (to be read aloud, in front of a mirror): I’m Sandy Kenyon
I’m Sandy Kenyon. This is your Eyewitness News Movie Minute. This past weekend I had the pleasure of seeing Joaquin Phoenix give his Oscar-nominated performance in Joker, a film about a fragile individual’s descent into madness, and the society that drove him there, reminiscent of Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver. Not as good, for sure, but Joker is fascinating and well made, though I was really, really bummed out after seeing it. Phoenix’s intense performance and flashes of violence left me feeling uneasy. This is a film to be admired, not loved. If you are looking for pure entertainment, check out Eddie Murphy’s new movie, Dolemite Is My Name, and buckle up for some laughs. This has been your New York Eyewitness News Movie Minute. I’m Sandy Kenyon. I am the once and future Permanent Bae of New York City.
I hope this meditation brings you the peace it brings me.
I leave you with a final thought.
During the first season of Succession, Roman Roy laments the sell-out, garbage blockbuster bullshit animated movie that his family’s media company had put out instead of something more artful. I think it was called The Biggest Turkey In the World.
I invite you now to re-enter the contemplative space of meditation and to imagine the lovely, effusive, minute-long review Sandy Kenyon would give after the pleasure of viewing The Biggest Turkey in the World.